Sun, for reals

 Everyone looking a unimpressed. From left--Nellie 11 mo, Locke 1.5, Jane 13 mo, Theo 11 mo, Ellie 10 mo

  A row of delicious babies.

 11 months old. What happened?



To anyone who has been in my near vicinity for the past two months--I am sorry. I am sorry I have been irritated, crabby, annoyed, negative, tired, an eye roller, and in general a complainer about most things. In the wake of sleeping in hour long stretches week after week after week, I had kind of become moody antisocial version of myself. I tried to put on my best front, but I know at times zombie mom came through.


(Total aside from my hypochondriac self--I was feeling a little sick on Saturday morning and 90% jokingly told Jon I thought I was turning into a zombie for the end of days.)

I have been in sleep recovery (rehab) for a week now, and I have a new outlook on life. People are friendlier, mornings are bright and exciting, and I no longer need two naps a day. When people invite me places, my first instinct is "yes!" Instead of "ughhhhhhhhhhhh. Go away."

So I ventured out into the world last Friday. I reintroduced myself to all my long lost friends who welcomed me back despite my indiscretions. Theo got his splash on, and he loved it. Even when he accidentally submerged himself underwater. I felt freakishly, uncontrollably giddy.

I don't even care that it's raining today. I just vacuumed my apartment, walls and the ceiling and I feel great. Is this what being high on drugs feels like? Sleep is my happy drug.

Us at 60

This spring I joined a community orchestra, and I am loving it. I get to get out a night a week, play my violin again, and talk nerdy shop with people mostly of retirement age. I lucked out with a great stand partner, Nancy (for those not in the know, that means we share music and sit together--sounds obvious but Jon didn't know what I was talking about). The first night I showed her pictures of Theo, and she showed me pictures of her cat. I found out later she had a daughter. She is also a woman of many talents--she plays the dulcimer, and Native American flute. This week she was playing a gig and I googled it when I went home to see where it was, and I found her website! She and her husband hire themselves out to play anywhere. And they have an outfit for every occasion. Here are a few.

Ok, so I was going to give you a few but these are all of them. I couldn't help myself. So, if you need a dulcimer/bass music ensemble for your for your formal civil war party, I've got their contact info.

blueberry lipstick

I just made Theo a flowery bib. (Jon walked around with a similar lunch bag for a year and I'm pretty sure his testosterone levels are still the same) I'm sad I can't dress him in more plum colors--it really looks exquisite with those blue eyes.

moms!

 Photo by  Lisa Warninger

 Top-me and Theo 6 weeks, Middle-My mom and Theo 5 months, Bottom-Jon's mom and Theo 8 weeks

Being a mother is difficult to comprehend until you actually are one. So this year Mother's Day really hit me, not only because I was looking forward to a holiday where selfishness is welcomed, but really because I realized even more this year just how much my mom has sacrificed, served, and loved me. Being a mom is letting go of your own desires and needs because something has suddenly become much more important than you. And you love this little person so much, even if you have days where you want to lay in bed and cry because you are so tired (not me of course...). But it's worth it. I love Theo so much that I don't care if he has six more months of double digit night waking. Of course I only say that because Jon is the best partner that I could ever ask for, and I really couldn't survive without him.

Jon and I have great examples of women who are amazing at all that they do. My mother in law is a giant of faith and I look up to how strong she has been through adversity. We may compete while running (sigh...I always lose) but I am so glad she has come into my life. I only can hope to become more like my mom. But I never can because she raised twins, something I realize now is like climbing Mount Everest backward without oxygen in a bathing suit. She is super mom to me.

Thanks to Jon for the best mother's day ever. He gave me gifts, made me multiple meals, and took me out for a movie date Saturday. I also have made him get up with Theo so much these past few nights. I think he's just trying to get extra points for Father's Day. Totally worked.

Lifetime supply of jeans in one year. Let's hope jean fashion never changes.

Ok. I have a confession. (not only do I write with a lot of parenthetical references, but) A company I used to work for in Utah once got crazy into the Secret. You know, the book where if you think you will make a million dollars, a lot, you will get a million dollars. And if you don't get a million dollars, then you must have let negative energy creep in, and the Universe then taketh away your dream. Our department had a special meeting at my supervisor's house where we were given the book, watched the accompanying video (where I learned you can always get a prime parking space--if you just think it), and made "dream boards" where we made a collage of our future personal goals. I didn't think this was a bad idea--I presented mine which had things I wanted in life like, "an adult tricycle," "a house shaped like a box," and to write a book (all still being visualized! I will get an adult tricycle!). I think our boss just really wanted to boost revenue, and our department was in charge of selling the company's product. Instead of going through all this magic voodoo, what she really should have done was not leave the company's success to the least paid department that had faulty 15 year old computers and had to work on holidays, while everyone else basked in the gentle glow of their new Macs and took off when it was convenient. We did have amazing Christmas parties though (in the magical time before the 2008 economic crash, of course). But I digress.
 
At the time I was convinced my thoughts had magical powers to change the course of the universe. Mostly because I trained all my thoughts on how we were going to live in Portland and Jon would attend dental school. Then suddenly, he got an interview and he got in. Done and done. I knew that his acceptance must not have been due to his grades, interview, or test scores, but singly controlled by my will, and the Universe. Then I found out that Jon always assumed he wouldn't get in as to lessen disappointment. And with time, and repeated mocking jokes on 30 Rock, I have become disillusioned. 

Until, Saturday. We were at the Gap, looking at baby things, when I noticed some kind of promotion where they were giving away an employee discount for a year (50%, which I know is not the exact employee discount as my sister worked there in high school and begrudgingly let me share in her discount at times when I bugged her constantly to let me use it) a day to each store this week. I actually left the store, thought about it, and went back in and entered. It was a tedious process, involving an app download so I could scan some thing and enter in a bunch of information. It took 10-15 minutes, and I was pretty sure most people wouldn't go through the hassle. I felt annoyed by it too, but I figured it would be worth it if I won.

Actually, I thought of the Secret because I not only thought I might win, I knew I would. I really didn't have a doubt. And Jon thought so too. I'm pretty sure I was the only one who entered that day anyway, but I was still excited the next day when I got my email notifying me that I had won.

The Secret The Secret The secret... (whispered in a mysterious voice for best effect)